#1 "A question for you all is, do you ever feel the same way? In which you feel like you’re torn between two worlds? And this doesn’t necessarily have to involve Asian versus American either since I just want to hear your stories of intersectionality."
A question for Asian sons and daughters who grew up Americanized: when your parents reach an age where they struggle to take care of themselves, will you house them? Or will you put them in a nursing home? For older generations who didn't grow up in America, it's unfathomable to put one's parents in a nursing home. It's assumed that the child will fulfill their duty of filial piety and house and care for their aging parents. But for my parents' generation, they said that they would never ask their own children to do that (because it shouldn't even be a question), but they've shared that they also wonder if we will offer without prompting. It's Asian politeness protocol to perform a dueling dance between offering and refusing as a display of not wanting to burden and inconvenience one another (social harmony) versus dismissing such a duty or gesture as "non-sense, it would be my pleasure."
For a while, I imagined a future in which my mom wouldn't live with me. I guess this was my American side. It's sad for me to admit that I still imagined this future even after my mom was widowed. My aunt, her younger and arguably closest sister, was also widowed around two years later. I fantasized about a scenario in which they would live together and thus the "burden" wouldn't fall upon me. But now, after living abroad for six years, I already know that it's my responsibility to take care of my mother, especially after aging deeper into adulthood and realizing that my mother--no matter how old I am--would still sacrifice probably everything for me, with compassion, with patience, with self-sacrificial generosity. I'm blessed to have a mom who loves me that much, and I believe I would be a failure of a son to not, first and foremost, appreciate how rare of a mom I have, and secondly, to not honor and reciprocate everything she has given me. I'm not sure about having kids. I'm not sure about marriage. But I'm sure that I must find a way to take care of my mom.
For a story that explores the responsibility of taking care of one’s parents, check out one of my favorite short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri in her short story collection “Unaccustomed Earth”. The short story is also the same name of the book and the first story in the collection.
#2 - “I wanted to know what are your thoughts on this method of raising children. Why do you think many Asian people strive for independence? And do you think it’s a good thing?”
I’m not sure if I was raised to be independent, but my mom said she was most proud when I graduated, found a job, made my own money, gave some back to support her, and survived living in foreign countries (I’m on my fourth one now). I’ve stopped asking for money, and I try to find opportunities to cover expenses and financial responsibilities where I can.
I’m not sure if striving for independence is Asian thing. I always believed that social harmony and civil obedience was more of an Asian thing, but I do characterize my younger self as someone who wanted to prove I could do many things on my own because 1) it would demonstrate my aptitude and talent, but also 2) asking for help would be an admission and reflection of inadequacy. However, I’ve since shifted my views to believe that asking for help isn’t a display of inadequacy, but instead acute curiosity and resourcefulness coupled with initiative and a drive to improve. The greatest in any field often had teachers. Check out the graduate speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger on “The Myth of the Self-Made Man”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJsvR_gSEjg
#1 "A question for you all is, do you ever feel the same way? In which you feel like you’re torn between two worlds? And this doesn’t necessarily have to involve Asian versus American either since I just want to hear your stories of intersectionality."
A question for Asian sons and daughters who grew up Americanized: when your parents reach an age where they struggle to take care of themselves, will you house them? Or will you put them in a nursing home? For older generations who didn't grow up in America, it's unfathomable to put one's parents in a nursing home. It's assumed that the child will fulfill their duty of filial piety and house and care for their aging parents. But for my parents' generation, they said that they would never ask their own children to do that (because it shouldn't even be a question), but they've shared that they also wonder if we will offer without prompting. It's Asian politeness protocol to perform a dueling dance between offering and refusing as a display of not wanting to burden and inconvenience one another (social harmony) versus dismissing such a duty or gesture as "non-sense, it would be my pleasure."
For a while, I imagined a future in which my mom wouldn't live with me. I guess this was my American side. It's sad for me to admit that I still imagined this future even after my mom was widowed. My aunt, her younger and arguably closest sister, was also widowed around two years later. I fantasized about a scenario in which they would live together and thus the "burden" wouldn't fall upon me. But now, after living abroad for six years, I already know that it's my responsibility to take care of my mother, especially after aging deeper into adulthood and realizing that my mother--no matter how old I am--would still sacrifice probably everything for me, with compassion, with patience, with self-sacrificial generosity. I'm blessed to have a mom who loves me that much, and I believe I would be a failure of a son to not, first and foremost, appreciate how rare of a mom I have, and secondly, to not honor and reciprocate everything she has given me. I'm not sure about having kids. I'm not sure about marriage. But I'm sure that I must find a way to take care of my mom.
For a story that explores the responsibility of taking care of one’s parents, check out one of my favorite short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri in her short story collection “Unaccustomed Earth”. The short story is also the same name of the book and the first story in the collection.
#2 - “I wanted to know what are your thoughts on this method of raising children. Why do you think many Asian people strive for independence? And do you think it’s a good thing?”
I’m not sure if I was raised to be independent, but my mom said she was most proud when I graduated, found a job, made my own money, gave some back to support her, and survived living in foreign countries (I’m on my fourth one now). I’ve stopped asking for money, and I try to find opportunities to cover expenses and financial responsibilities where I can.
I’m not sure if striving for independence is Asian thing. I always believed that social harmony and civil obedience was more of an Asian thing, but I do characterize my younger self as someone who wanted to prove I could do many things on my own because 1) it would demonstrate my aptitude and talent, but also 2) asking for help would be an admission and reflection of inadequacy. However, I’ve since shifted my views to believe that asking for help isn’t a display of inadequacy, but instead acute curiosity and resourcefulness coupled with initiative and a drive to improve. The greatest in any field often had teachers. Check out the graduate speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger on “The Myth of the Self-Made Man”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJsvR_gSEjg